Being based in Singapore, we have seen things developing with COVID since January, with the first OCR Race cancelled in Asia being the first of the SEA Series in Vietnam in February. Since then it has been a constant question of what is coming next, what (if any) events will continue and how long will this go on for?
Before I begin this blog I want to start by saying that I completely understand the decisions made by governments, race companies and individuals to do what they think is right to protect the community and I am not questioning their choices. I respect the decisions that they are making and I am glad I am not the one having to make them. But, in the interest of mental health, I also think it’s important to talk about how you’re feeling. I am aware I am lucky to have my health, lucky to still be able to leave my house when I please and lucky to not be in an area that is seriously affected. I do know this and I try a lot to be positive and put things in to perspective.
But while I am trying to do this daily, I am also finding it very hard. On a personal level this was going to be a big year for me. It is the first year I have been a member of the Pro Team and I deliberately left my calendar free to ensure I could take on the SEA Series. My aim was to attend each of the 5 races in the series, give it my all and see where I stacked up before we relocate back to the UK in August. The relocation is not something I am emotionally ready for and honestly it’s something I am finding really hard to cope with so these races were a chance to put my training to the test, to see the amazing friends I have made through OCR and to test myself against the best ladies in the area. I was so excited for the year and really focused on making the most of each day I had left in Singapore. Then COVID struck and things became really uncertain. In the last two days we have seen the postponement of all US Races for the next 30 days, many other races around the world, and most upsettingly for me, the postponement of Singapore, Sarawak and Lima’s races, 2 of which were key races in the series. So, I am going to be honest, right now I feel really fucking sad. I have cried, a lot. A good friend of mine told me it was important to give myself some time to feel sad so I thought I’d get it out of my head to try and process it a bit. I don’t really expect anyone to care and I know people all over the world are dealing with their own disappointments, frustrations and bigger issues than mine but even if 1 person reads this and finds a way to work through their own sadness then it will have been worth sharing.
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions the last few months. When Vietnam was cancelled I got myself into a right funk, my training felt like it had no purpose, I lost all joy for the process and I couldn’t really be bothered to stick to the goals I had planned. Luckily I had Sean as a coach and a husband to keep me on track and I made the decision to travel to the Philippines at the last minute to race the Alveria Super and I am so glad that I did. After 3 months of an ‘Off Season’ I got the chance to check that my new training program from Sean was paying off and I am really grateful for that. It’s really hard when you’re training for something to know if you’re doing it right; especially in OCR when there is no agreed answer on how to train. Getting the chance to race gave me validation for the hard work I had been putting in. I took first place and walked away knowing it was one of my best races performance wise and it had re-fired my sense of purpose to train as I knew there were other races coming in the near future.
That sadly isn’t the case anymore. At the moment, as it stands, our next race will be in May in Vietnam (although I don’t feel confident about this going ahead right now) which means a minimum of another 3 months of not knowing and I am again finding this really hard. I have no doubt that there are plenty of people out there feeling the same too. My instant reaction was to commit fitness suicide. I train hard, I focus on keeping my nutrition on point and I will prioritise rest and recovery over a late night out with friends. I haven’t had an alcoholic drink since January and although this doesn’t really bother me, there are things I miss out on because I am focused on training. When there are tangible goals that can be reached for I find this quite easy to do, my motivation is strong because I love it and I want to do well. But with no races any time soon it seems easy to take that ‘fuck it’ mentality to training and food, to give up and embrace eating whatever I want and slacking on those training sessions. I particularly find the food side of things hard. I really like food and I definitely have some left over issues with emotional eating from when I was bigger so at the minute I am finding it hard to focus on being strict with my nutrition still. There was even a bit of me that was like ‘fuck it, let’s go out and get drunk,’ which is ridiculous because I don’t even really like alcohol and this is not something I find that fun anymore. While I know this is a ridiculous way to act, it’s easy to say all the right things, but a lot harder to actually action them. So I’ve sat down and given myself a talking to and I’ve decided for now it’s not time to give up and embrace a life of pop tarts and pizza again.
Note the word again in the sentence above… one of the main things that has stopped me from doing this is the fact I’ve been there before. I’ve been the overweight girl who didn’t do any exercise and you’d better believe I felt shit for it. I was unhealthy, 25kg’s heavier and didn’t do anything active, ever. It’s not a good place to be in, so while I am finding it hard to stick to my training plan right now, I know that whatever happens I don’t want to go back to that. So, even if there aren’t races on the calendar, this is a good reminder that I’ve done a lot for my general health in the last few years and it’s not all about if you can hit that podium or get that finishers tee. I have no doubt that I have made huge improvements on my general health and I feel better now, both physically and mentally than I ever have before. I can’t throw that away because a few races have been shifted.
Yesterday we recorded a podcast on The OCR Review which focuses on all the alternative things you can be doing if you’ve had something cancelled so it’s a great episode to listen to (It will go live on Monday) if you are looking for alternatives and ways to stay on track so I am not going to list all of those here. I’ll add the link here when the episode drops so you can check it out.
However, I am focused on being a lady with a plan. One of the things that I am excited about is having some more flexibility in my training program to mix up my workouts. I am planning on getting in more bouldering, getting back on the trails for some longer runs (we only had short races coming up and I really love Ultra distances) and working on some new goals I didn’t have the time to prioritise before. I think that handstand walks and muscle ups are the coolest things in fitness and I am looking forward to spending some time working on these more now I do have a bit more freedom. I’m working on finding as many silver linings on these clouds as possible and that’s one of them. I also feel very lucky to have so many like minded fitness friends who I know will be keen to keep training and looking for ways to test their fitness. I am looking forward to getting creative and hosting some more Team Grit Workouts when possible to keep people’s training goals alive. We’ll certainly be putting in another Murph-Day date in the diary and I plan to do some research on some fun challenges I can take on. I live in a condo with 35 floors… there’s got to be some built in challenge in the stairwells there…
My Fitness Friends Are Better Than Yours…
Additionally, one of the key components of racing is mental toughness and being prepared for the unexpected. So this will be a great lesson in that. I don’t believe personally that ‘everything happens for a reason’ but I do believe you have the choice in how you respond to it. I read a really interesting book recently about why we are motivated to do things (Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. By Daniel Pink) and was interested to read that extrinsic motivation (when we are motivated by a reward or punishment - this would essentially be the podium or medal / t-shirt given at a Spartan Race) can actually have a negative impact on the reasons we do things and therefore our overall performance. Intrinsic motivation however comes from finding an internal reason to carry on with something, taking on the task purely for the pleasure of doing so. This means choosing to train because you love it, to get out on the trails just because you want to run them and to find happiness in the process. That sounds pretty good to me and I’m certainly going to be working on my intrinsic motivation going forward. I have no doubt it will make me stronger as an athlete when the races inevitably come back.
So, if you’ve had a race cancelled, postponed or it’s generally just up in the air, it’s okay to feel shit. You’ve worked hard for it and it sucks when that validation is taken away. Take some time to wallow, feel sad, then, when you’re ready, make a plan. Set yourself a new goal, message some friends and get some dates in the diary to replace events that have been cancelled. If you’re looking for fitness inspiration, check out our WOTW, there’s a ton of workouts on there now and you can check the times on the leaderboards to give you a goal to beat! Keep an eye on the Team Grit Facebook if you’re in Singapore, we’ll be hosting small events when we can. I’d also check out Red Dot Running - they do some epic smaller events. And if you do want to talk to someone but you don’t know who, drop me a message on IG (@smiley_spartan_racer) I’d be more than happy to listen!
Jessie x