Imposter Syndrome is a term that is used a lot and a recent podcast I listened to (The Art Of Coaching) suggested that over 70% of people deal with imposter syndrome in some area of their life. After my eventful Spartan weekend two weekends ago I’ve been debating putting my thoughts down about this and how it has impacted me in OCR but I’ve been putting it off at the risk of it not being helpful for anyone or people not thinking I was legit enough to write about it… then I realised it was so very ironic for me to have imposter syndrome about writing a blog about imposter syndrome…so I decided to go for it anyway.

What Is It?
Imposter syndrome was originally called “imposter phenomenon,” and was coined during a 1978 study (Clance & Imes) that focused on high achieving females, though it has now been show it can happen to anyone in any situation. Healthline defines it as having ‘feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments.’ and when I first happened upon the definition it didn’t take me long to realise it’s something I’ve been dealing with since I first got into OCR.

Coming from a background of zero fitness I struggled from the start to feel like I belonged or deserved to be there..

My Imposter Syndrome
When you come into something with zero fitness it’s easy to feel like you don’t belong and that’s how I felt for so long every time I stepped into the gym. I happened upon OCR when my friend Benyna said it would be fun for us to do one as a team but even during my first Open race, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to complete it - and I very nearly didn’t. My skin felt like it had set on fire as I battled with the Singapore heat, I put my feet into the handholds at Olympus (no joke) and I failed most of the obstacles…. it didn’t seem like a solid start and I really didn’t feel like I belonged. But - by that point, I’d lost 20kg on my weight loss journey and I was desperately looking for something to give my training purpose, so I decided to stick with it and come back for redemption. I have stubbornness on my side so I spent the next few months obsessing about my food, exercise, and gear for the next one…. an age group race…

My first ever Spartan race - so much team spirit - so much to learn!

Moving over to age group was quite frankly terrifying and I put so much pressure on myself. For the first time in my life, I was training towards a goal - rather than just exercising for weight loss or aesthetics. I loved the purpose it gave me but it also led to conversations where I realised that people had expectations for me to do well because I was committing so much time to it and the closer it got to the race, the more the anxiety and fear of actually racing and the fear of failure consumed me. People would often tell me ‘you’re going to smash it’ or ‘you’ll definitely win - you’ve put so much time into it.’ While it was so nice to have people supporting me, I whipped myself up into such a frenzy that I started to feel that if I didn't win… I didn’t know how I’d ever explain it to anyone and I would be mortified. I used to find failure really hard and at this point, I was such a perfectionist so the closer the race got the more I worried about the outcome. I lost all love of training and I honestly didn’t get more than a few hours sleep a night in the week leading up to the race - I was a barrel of nerves.

The race came and I gave it all I had. I pushed SO hard and I ended up placing 4th in my age group. If I had been talking to anyone else I’d have told them this was a huge achievement to have trained for 4 months, having never run 1km before the Open race… to then come back, complete all but 3 obstacles (spear, monkey bars, rig) and place 4th… that’s pretty epic. But, I was never very good at listening to my own advice (I’ve come a long way since then) and that day 4th place felt like last place and I was so angry and disappointed with myself. I was honestly dreading going back to work on the Monday and people asking me how the race had gone. In hindsight, I realise now that really no one cares how I place in my races. People have so much going on in their life that my 4th place really couldn't matter less and they're certainly not judging me the way I am judging myself but it’s taken me a long time to be able to separate the emotions and look at things logically and for a long time I put so much pressure on myself to perform.

I slipped off these dang rings so many times in age group before I built my grip strength up!

Moving To Elite
I raced in age group for all of 2018 then decided (with a bit of encouragement from my Dad and Sean) that in 2019 it would be worth moving over to elite to see how I stacked up. It felt like a giant leap but I’d spent a year focusing a LOT on my mindset, I read books, listened to podcasts and journaled a lot - reflecting carefully on my training and my races. As my coach, Sean supported me a lot with this and the work we did together was a total game-changer for me. I was still a bag of nerves heading into my first elite race but as I stood on the start line I had sensible goals that focused on me, not on my performance and crossing the finish line in 2nd place was equal measures shocking and exciting. I had such a great time racing in Asia and it’s a small but mighty field so I was really sad when it was time to move back to the UK. I was so nervous about moving back here, I knew I’d have to work up to tougher competition in the UK and while I was ready for the hard work, I was worried that I’d never actually be good enough - no matter how hard I tried. I’ve been really battling with that, especially with such a long time without races to test myself and as a result, I could feel myself being more introverted and nervous to connect with people in case they didn’t think I was good enough. I didn’t have the race I wanted Saturday but they can’t all go to plan and turning up and giving it my all Sunday and crossing the line in 3rd gave me the confidence to believe that with some hard work and grafting I can be competitive here and that lit a fire that I’m super excited to keep working with Sean and Team Grit - I know the competition will continue to grow me as an athlete and I'm stoked to see how far I can go!

5 podiums, 5 distances in my first elite year. 2019 was an amazing year of racing.

5 Things That Helped Me Battle Imposter Syndrome
If I had to narrow down 5 things that have made a big difference for me in feeling like I belong and battling the imposter vibes - these would be them. We’re obviously all different but on the off chance they help even one person out there - here they are.

1. Just Do You
All you can try to do with anything is do your best. If you’re showing up for yourself and trying your best then that’s pretty fantastic. We’ve all been there… you’ve had a great run and you’re super stoked - you load it onto Strava because we all know it doesn’t count if it’s not there… but then suddenly you spot someone else’s run/distance/pace and it throws a curveball and you suddenly find yourself disappointed with the run that 2mins previously you’d been really happy with. I used to be a criminal for this. Did it help me at all? No? Did it leave me feeling shit for no reason? Yes. Did it change anything in my fitness by worrying about what other people could do? Nope. So I now try to really consciously only compare myself to myself and to focus on being the best version I can be. I don’t always get it right but being aware of it helps a lot.

2. Find Yourself A Solid Support Network
Find yourself friends who will love you no matter what, who will train with you, share tips, or just be that voice of reason to remind you how awesome you are and why you’re doing it. It goes without saying that Sean (as my husband and my coach) plays a vital role during most waking hours of the day. But also, two of those vital humans for me came in the form of my good friend Liane who is my biggest fan - she thinks I can do anything I set my mind to and she’s always my voice of reason when I need one. If I ever need a confidence boost, Liane is there for me. The other person who was integral to building my confidence was my pal Emily. Me and Em trained together and managed to balance healthy competition with sharing goals, aspirations and training tips - a balance that a lot of athletes seem to find hard to deal with. Despite working toward the same goal - both wanting to hit those podiums - I knew that I could stand on the start line with Em, give her a hug, go and try and win the race but know that whoever won it was deserved in the moment and then we’d celebrate each other’s successes after. I am sad we didn’t get to race together more but seeing Emily take the brave step of moving up to elite and coming in in second place during our first elite race (an Ultra!) made me realise that healthy competition can be a thing and that we should be building up other athletes and beginners and giving them the support they need to be their best - even if that best will be better than mine - that’s the beauty of it!

I’m not sure what I’d do without these girls.

3. Set External Goals
When I first started racing, I used to go into races setting myself a goal for placing. I’d have a position in mind I thought was achievable and I’d be focused on that. But, it didn’t take long to realise that wasn't a healthy mindset - you can’t control who turns up on that start line and you can only ever do your best. Even if you think you know the field, nothing stops a wild card showing up on the day and if they’re a better athlete than you then there’s nothing at that stage you can do. I released that more than ever in 2018 when I came over to the UK to do an elite race. I had been performing well in Asia but I knew the competition in the UK was denser and stronger and I had no idea what to expect. I ran the race of my life, had a clean race other than the spear and came across the finish line in 5th place knowing that on that day there was literally no more that I could have done. Previously I’d have been gutted with a 5th place - not placing in a podium spot. But I had shifted my mindset and I had set realistic performance goals that were within my control. I could look at the race and confidently say that I had given it all I had and that’s really all you can do. So I would highly suggest setting yourself goals in training and racing that you can control and focus on, don’t set yourself up to fail by comparing yourself to others, you’re here to be the best version of you!

4. Don’t Let The ‘What If’ Monster Get You
This is one that my friend Liane challenges me with a lot. Anytime we have a conversation about something I’m worried about she’ll ask me what the worst-case scenario is. Which, for racing is normally some variation of … ‘what if I come dead last / embarrass myself / let Team Grit down / lose my pro team spot…’ to which she’ll normally reply ‘what if you don’t / that doesn’t happen / you miss ou because you didn’t even try’ That was so true during the recent race at Marston Lodge. I didn’t know if I should race, I hadn’t been well and pushed so hard to just survive on the Saturday that I didn’t know if I even had the capacity to finish. I debated not starting because to me it almost felt worse to try and begin than have to quit. But, at the last minute, I decided to give it a g0 so I’d never have to wonder ‘what if.’ The shorter race played to my strengths and I managed to hang in, crossing the finish line in 3rd and winning my first UK podium spot - don’t let the what if monster get you!

5. Reach Out To Others
One of my favourite things about OCR is the amazing community that surrounds it. I have met some of my greatest friends through OCR and I love the support from volunteers, staff and friends at races. When my race didn’t go to plan at Marston Lodge, the community support I got from Instagram was honestly so powerful and I appreciated every single comment that people left me.
But, when I started racing and when I was deciding to move to elite I was so nervous and I didn’t feel like I knew anyone well enough to bug them with my questions. So I’ve always tried to be approachable and encouraging to anyone, whatever stage of their journey they are. That was the whole purpose of starting Team Grit and I like to think that people feel that they can drop me a message whenever about anything and I’ll do the best I can to help - or point them towards someone who can! (I’m @smiley_spartan_racer if you’re thinking you might just do that). UK girls, I am so keen to get more girls to racing elite - there are so many girls here with huge potential - so if you’re ever thinking you might and you want a friendly face on the start line let me know!! But, I’m not the only one, there’s plenty of support groups (like Elevate) athletes and brilliant coaches out there. Find someone who has a similar ethos to you or that you find inspiring and drop them a message, you’ll be surprised what you can learn.

For so long I let imposter syndrome hold me back. It held me back from racing elite, it consumed my thoughts during the longest off-season when I relocated and it took up FAR too much of my (and Sean’s) energy during training. It still lingers in the background but the more I talk about it and talk to others, the better I get a handle on it. Let’s get to the point when we can support others and create a safe space for people to take more risks without feeling like an imposter for showing up! If you got this far - thank you, I hope it helped!

Jessie